Preppers without Gardens

Standard

We’re not supposed to call them survivalists. Survivalists are those folks who have gone back to the land out in the boondocks, living as if civilization has already pretty much collapsed, and not enjoying the goodies still available.

Preppers, from what I can see of various shows on TV, are yuppie survivalists. No, they’re just prepared for the violent collapse of civilization or the destructive earth changes due any day now.

In many or most cases, these folks are running on some internal nightmare — too many zombie pictures, maybe — and not applying much logic to what they are doing. Survivalists at least have logic on their side. (Someone ready for the next hurricane is not a “prepper”; that’s just a sensible person with normal foresight, puh-leez.)

It struck me that these unprepared preppers are acting out rituals of safety, making gestures toward doing something that satisfies their sense of danger, but not really working to make themselves safe. They are buying a bottle of Dr. Feelgood, not actually making a workable plan. A very expensive bottle, but it works for them so they can sleep at night. (Those really prepared — obviously, I’m not talking about you in this.)

This was brought home by the story of one single mother who was so proud that her teenish son saved the seeds from store-bought fruits and vegetables they ate: tomatoes, bell peppers, apples, oranges. He dried them and stored them so that when they emerged from their shelter, they could grow their own food.

Just like that.

The gardeners in the audience may now groan and cuss. You know how much work it is to get a food garden going as a beginner.

These people are ignorant of how to survive and will not face the fact. They walk around happily insulated in their dreams of how it ought to work and feel so superior to us foolish folk who won’t survive.

One: If you’re going to have to do it then, you had better learn how to do it now, and practice until Doomsday. The folks with guns and judo have that idea, but I think that’s because shooting guns is fun, learning judo is a fun sport, and it doesn’t require the knowledge and patience of the not-so-fun stuff, like gardening.

We should notice these seed-storers were buying their tomatoes and bell peppers at the store. That means they weren’t learning how to garden by planting a simple veggie garden in the back yard. I set one up most years on the lanai in pots, simply because I’m tired of tasteless vegetable. Living in a house, they don’t have to buy dirt: they have no excuse.

The seeds they are saving are from supermarket hybrid varieties: they may be sterile. If not, our preppers need to know what kind they are and if they’ll grow in their area, and if so at what time of year. They may have been shipped in from a very different clime. And did you know you have to ferment tomato seeds before you dry them? They certainly won’t know about staking without killing the plant (no, not like staking vampires) or how to recognize and what to do about parasites, diseases, or even the signs of over-watering.

Then you want to realize that they will have to nurse apple seeds into seedlings into saplings finally into trees over the years until they can start to bear fruit. Unless they are assuming the earth will be swept clean and no other apple trees left, they would be better off looking for a neglected orchard to take over.

They need to find out what heritage varieties — naturally bred for stability — of vegetables work in their area and get good at growing them now.

Two: Many expensive secret redoubts are a joke. Some are several sick jokes.

Preppers are generally wealthy enough to have both a home and a country retreat, their redoubt. Their doomsday shelter is often a fairly expensive steel tank installed “secretly” in the ground.

That is in quotes because when they bring in the backhoe to dig the hole, the giant truck with the shelter the size of a double-wide mobile home on board, and spend a couple of days setting up the crane to move the shelter. Ah, folks? Everyone in the vicinity knows what it is and where it is. The proprietors of the local diner, gas station, and possibly church will get to that well-stocked shelter before the owners do (see below on travel).

As a matter of game design, I spent a lot of one decade studying nuclear war survival skills and the like. My Dear Husband is a SAC veteran. Generally, these people are doing it all wrong to survive nuclear attack or accident, let alone killer comets. If we ran the local gas station, I’d loot their shelter for supplies, but never move in.

Every single one we saw had only one way in or out. That’s called “a death trap.” Every fortress needs a sally port (oh, yeah, studied fortification, too.) or at least a fire escape.

Most shelters are only buried under maybe three feet of dirt. That’s barely enough to get earth-arching (see Cresson H. Kearny on that). If I’m spending the cost of a new Cadillac on the thing, I want it down twenty full feet. Otherwise, they usually leave a lump, and the entry is just hanging out there. Of course, if it’s set shallow, you can’t plant much more than grass on it. That’s another advantage to deep-set shelters: you don’t plant trees, but you do plant bushes, especially to hide the hatch. You don’t have a big stairway down except for loading it up beforehand. When things look tight, or just when you’re finished, you bury that sucker,  and have one hatch here, one at the end of the escape tunnel. Maybe you just have an uncompleted tunnel with two feet left to dig out so there’s no hatch for an invader to find.

They don’t usually have filtered air supplies to protect them from Martian poison gas and bio weapons. The air source is a pipe sticking up out of the ground. A PVC pipe, at that.

Every time we see these shelters, my DH and I just pretend that we’ve thrown in our lot with the vicious biker barbarians (because we have good skills and a bad attitude). One of our skills is getting people out of their shelters. First, we bash away their unarmored electronic periscope device (we can’t see why the people in that episode bothered). Then we set a fire of greenery at their air intake and smoke them out. If that doesn’t work (someone actually had air filters!), with the ceiling only three feet down, a couple of burly outlaws can uncover a section pretty quickly, and we set a bonfire going there and roast them in their tin can. Just like setting a Viking hall aflame; they can come out or die in there.

Twenty feet down? I don’t thing you can get the average band of reavers to work that hard. That’s like starting on the roof of a house and digging down to the basement. They also shouldn’t make it so easy to find the air intake. That’s why you look for or create a hollow tree or two to disguise it. A cement “dead tree” is a lot less likely to be spotted as an air intake than a white pipe sticking out of the ground.

Three: They aren’t going to get to it, anyway, which may be a mercy.

These ritual preppers usually still live close to their urban job, but plan on driving the 300 miles to their rural redoubt when things turn bad, whether it’s the quake that sank Manhattan or their friendly neighborhood nuclear plant starting to glow. Some even take combat driving courses so they can get through anticipated wreckage and armed road blocks.

“Yeah, the comet’s coming. Let’s take our guns and baseball bats and make sure no one leaves the city.”

Huh? No, really, who is it they think is going to stop them leaving? People will either be flooding out, creating rush-hour traffic jams, or following the preppers, going, “They must know a safe place to go. We’ll go with them.” It will be days or weeks later, after the stores have been looted out, before brigands set up to shake out every car passing.

This is where the preppers who live at their redoubts make sense. Those shown were usually the pros, I notice, who teach shooting, combat driving, and the rest. Some of them have tin cans, but they also garden, can and dry the food, have laid out their main house for long-term defense, and are only two minutes from the shelter.

At 60 mph, that 300-mile trip is going to take 5 hours — yeah, ignore the speed laws when the world is ending. But they obviously anticipate that they aren’t going to just zip out of town on clear roads. Putting in traffic jams until the flood of cars splits up enough, makes this sound more like an 8-10 hours on the road. Hope they have a long-range gas tank, because you know the locals out in the country will have drained the rural gas stations first, while the city folk were still trying to get to the suburbs.

So they must assume that they will get at least half a day’s notice of the end of the world, preferably with everyone else left in ignorance. Less than that, and they’re going to find themselves with nothing but their car roof between them and the meteoric debris. If the nuclear plant goes quickly, they can have fatal doses before they know to leave or they can get far enough on the choked roads to get out of range.

Four: Assuming they get there, and they’ve built it well, or the catastrophe is such that what they’ve built isn’t challenged, they have to live in that puppy.

Your 1950s bomb shelters weren’t generally palatial. In fact, they could just barely hold the bunks for the family of four or six for whom they were built. Frankly, most people thought they wouldn’t be in there but a week, until the rescue trucks came to take them out of a really bad area, or they just walked out of a fringe area. Tempers were going to be thin, we bet.

Preppers are frequently stocking their redoubts for a stay of *two years.*

Think about it. Two years in a studio apartment with the windows and doors boarded up, living off what you have stored in the closet, with your spouse and children. Bored children, scared people, who are used to running all over in cars and on bicycles, now in this small space. The people who get two-tank shelters with a corridor between make perfect sense, because you can get away from others for a while, look at a different set of walls.

Submariners have the best chance of coming through sane.

Figure the water requirements alone: 4 people = 4 gallons minimum of water per day (2(365 days)) = 2,920 gallons. Then you need water for bathing, cleaning the shelter and cooking equipment, and flushing the toilet. A 3,000-gallon tank is a minimum, 5,000 preferable. At plastic-mart.com, you find a 3k-gal water tank is 102″ in diameter and 93″ high, while 5k-gal is 119″ x 112″ high. That’s 8.5 feet across x 7.75 feet high (2.59 x 2.36m) and just about 10′ across by 7.75′ high (2.6 x 2.36m). It is kind of fun to have the physical picture of all this water in one place: it’s a room full of water.

You have to get one, adding one or two thousand dollars to the shelter cost (because the tin cans we saw didn’t have this) and bringing in another notable load. Then you bury it next to the shelter, plumb it in, and fill it from somewhere. Many of these rural redoubts are on unimproved land, with no house or well, so that means bringing in a water truck. Then you hope the water doesn’t go bad in the last six months, and you have no plumbing problems.

Many of these ritual preppers will tell you they’re having no problem with boredom. Their shelters include a giant monitor on the wall (and we will assume a huge library of DVDs), and computers.

Where does the electricity for all this come from? For that matter, how about the electricity for the lights in their shelter?

Generators need gasoline. How many gallons a day will the generator consume? Picture 2 of those 5000-gallon tanks of petrol. Buy them, bury them, hook them up, and have the tanker truck come fill them up. Nah, no one will guess you have a shelter there.

One poor prepper had his generator in a shed on the surface (?!?!) and someone stole it while the land was uninhabited. You can’t put something generating carbon monoxide as well as electricity in your shelter with you. It needs its own remote buried shelter, but with air-tight access from the main one to keep monoxide away, and its own air supply for burning the fuel.

If they plan on generating light (and running air pumps and giant plasma screens and laptops) off people pedalling bicycles, they need a lot more food per person. As radio amateurs who have set up practice emergency stations know, pedalling a bike attached to a generator is no ride in the park, unless your park is on the side of a mountain and all the paths are steep, and you have no low gears. Again, if they are thinking this, they are failing to try it out in advance.

NEXT: My opinions on actually prepping, which I have no intention of doing, beyond normal hurricane preparedness.

 

Advertisements

2 responses »

  1. Very interesting article.
    I can relate and agree with a lot of what you are saying.
    But all in all, preppers are a a very diverse bunch with the same goal – just some have the most lunatic methods of achieving that goal.
    Unfortunately we are all perceived as generally being raving mad !!
    Or at least until something really does happen….

    • Some preppers are obviously doing it in a reasonable manner — like you, right? What I wanted to comment on are the ritual preppers, who are not getting to that goal of real survival preparedness, and maybe point out to them that they aren’t really prepared, and what they might change to get better prepared. I think they are often helping give you the wingnut image. After all, if there are hundreds or thousands of people doing the same sort of thing, then they all must be nearly identical in their minds, right? People who think like that aren’t really thinking, to treat any large group as clones. In this case, though, I chose the group by its mentality, and the rest of you are off the hook. What’s your favorite wannabe prepper doing it wrong story?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s